Aliens Abroad
by Atomdancerrr
Summary: The Doctor "rescues" the Brigadier on his trip to Florida


ALIENS ABROAD

by Tina Vogt and Elizabeth Hensley 

CHAPTER 1 THE BRIGADIER'S DILEMMA

"Pray for me, I drive on U.S. 19," t++he bumper sticker said on one of the many cars that were rushing by. The Brigadier clenched the steering wheel of his borrowed jeep, took a deep breath and forced himself to relax. Panicking would get him nowhere. After all it wasn't like he was lost on the surface of some alien planet or in some strange country where they didn't speak English. These people spoke English, of a sort, or at least they spoke American.

What was it the Doctor had said to him once? Ah yes, panic about only one thing at a time. Good advice that.

He looked up at the passing cars. Americans, alas, weren't too much different from Britishers. No doubt if his vehicle and clothing had been civilian, one of them would have stopped immediately. But no one wanted to help a military man driving a jeep. He sighed. It would have helped if he had some idea as to where he was. He would have called MacDill Air Force Base and admitted his vehicle had broken down, but as it was, his pride wouldn't let him. He didn't want to admit that he had managed to get himself lost. No sir! Not He! Not after he had teased the American Genera about getting lost in London last year.

Impatiently the Brigadier checked his watch for the tenth time in as many minutes. Confound it! He was supposed to be at the lecture in twenty minutes. There was no way he was going to make it even if he had the jeep running and knew where he was. It was his own fault too, about being lost. There was no reason he'd had to take an early flight just to have time to visit his relatives in St. Petersburg (he couldn't bring himself to shorten that to "St. Pete" the way the natives did).

All those cars, all those big, flashy American cars and not one of them would stop. The Brigadier sighed again. He couldn't really blame them.

Suddenly, an unearthly but belovedly familiar groaning, wheezing sound started behind him. He couldn't believe his ears!

"Doctor!" He said in relief.

The old blue police box materialized, looking comfortingly familiar but greatly out of place beside the Florida motorway.

He turned and smiled at the friendly face that poked itself out into the warm sunshine. The Doctor took a deep, happy breath, highway fumes and all, grinned at the blue sky and the sun, then looked about him, squinting in the bright sunlight.

When he caught sight of the Brigadier, his jaw dropped open in surprise. The Brigadier suppressed a grin of his own. For once it was the Doctor's turn to do a double take.

"Doctor, I presume." the Brigadier's mustache twitched as he chuckled.

The Doctor stared at his old friend, "Brigadier, I am both delighted and in deep despair at seeing you."

"Why is that?"

Because, my dear man, up till now TARDIS old girl hadn't always told me where she was going but at least after we got there, she let me know where we were. Now, according to her, I'm in Florida and I can't be because you're here."

Alistair chuckled, "Now who was the one that warned me once never to jump to conclusions? Why can't this still be Florida? Do you think I am rooted like a tree to the British isles?"

"I'm afraid I do, Alistair. You and England; you're like the Queen and Paddington Bear! Where else?"

"Doctor, you are as bad as we are! Number one, I'm from Scotland, NOT a native of England as you well know. And number two, The Queen is over here right now also. Or at least, she's in Canada."

"And what of Paddington Bear?" The Doctor admitted happily "Even he was from deepest, darkest Peru. Are you here with the Queen?"

"No I am here...well, I'm here to discuss the coordination of the American and British Air Forces in defending Earth from alien encroachments."

The Doctor laughed, "Ridiculous isn't it? I haven't seen any U.F.O's or spaceships lately."

"What about the Tardis?"

"She is not a U.F.O. I can indentify her. And she isn't a space ship, she is a time and space machine."

The Brigadier nodded, "You are correct of course, but we aren't after YOU anyway. This is ridiculous. Here I am discussing it with you, an alien, when I should be occupied trying to get unstuck and unlost. But somehow I never think of you as an alien."

"I know that or I'd take offense, After all an English soul can be an alien too, Peru, Gallifrey."

"Scotland." Grinned Alistair. But we're especially alien when we're stuck in America. And I do so hate being lost!"

"Don't fret about it, Alistair. It's all in you point of view." The Doctor patted his chest. "Take it from an expert. You can't be lost, you're right here with me." He pointed to the ground, "And since you know you're here, you can't be lost, can you? It's the Air Force that's lost. As ususal the Doctor looked satisfied with the conclusion that his peculiar sense of logic had come to.

The Brigadier looked thoughtfully at the Doctor as a sudden idea came to mind. "How did YOU happen to end up here, Doctor?"

"I'm developing a system, Alistair. Every time I want to end up somewhere interesting I head for the opening of the Brighton Pavilion. I've never ended up there yet, but all the other places TARDIS has taken me instead have kept me from being too disappointed."

"Do you expect me to believe that?" 

"No, but it was worth a try, wasn't it. Actually Sarah is an excellent double agent."

"What?!"

"She not only keeps UNIT informed as to what the Time Lord is up to, she also keeps the Time Lord informed as to what UNIT is up to. After questioning her at some length she finally told me you were attending a conference on extraterrestrial defense."

"And so you thought you'd come and help us out."

The Doctor grinned mysteriously, "I really couldn't care less. I was on my way to Hyde Park."

"So how did you end up in Florida?"

"Did you know there was a Hyde Park in Tampa? TARDIS got a bit mixed up."

"I say she did! This isn't even Tampa."

"Oh well. 'Ours not to reason why. Ours but to do or die.'"

The Brigadier smiled, "I recognize malarkey when I hear it! No matter. I am glad to see you whyever and however you've arrived. I know one thing. I can't head for the opening of the Brighton Pavillion in a jeep and expect to end up at the MacDill Air Force Base!"

The Doctor looked at him impishly, "I don't know why not!"

Alistair was in no mood for the Doctor's literal humor. "This jeep does not travel in time or space. At the moment it can't travel any way at all."

"Well Alistair, I don't think I can get it to travel in time, but as for space, sideways at least if not up and down." He shuffled over to the jeep and patted it. "Poor thing!"

The Brigadier eyed his friend dubiously, "Do you know anything about jeeps?"

The Doctor laughed, "A little bit. They have four wheels and they role down the road when you press the accelerator pedal. Anything else?"

"Do you know how to start one when its battery is flat? We don't have another vehicle to....."

"Is that all, Brigadier? Why of course we have another vehicle; the TARDIS! Surely Brigadier, this can't be much different from Bessie. How do you get its bonnet open?"

.............

"Sergeant!" A deep voice thundered across the auditorium." Sergeant Benton!"

The UNIT Officer started at the sound of his name. "Oh no." he muttered under his breath. He turned and saluted the American general that had called his name."

"Sergeant where is the Brigadier? He was informed of the time the conference was to begin. If he doesn't get here soon, he'll miss my speech."

"I'm afraid I don't know, sir." Benton noticed the general was wearing a toupee that was badly in need of some adhesive to keep it in place. He had an almost uncontrollable urge to laugh but squished it quickly. "He's in St. Petersburg visiting relatives. I'm sure he'll turn up soon.He's usually very punctual."

"He'd better be. My speech is most certainly something that no one in his occupation would want to miss!"

"I'm sure it is, Sir." Benton exhaled loudly when the General had moved off."

Benton checked his watch again. "Come on Brig. Where are you?"

.....................

The Brigadier popped open the bonnet and the Doctor stared at the dark space inside. Recognition flashed across his handsome face. "Ah yes, there it is. An engine."

"Nice deduction, Doctor. Absolutely brilliant reasoning!" Alistair replied sarcastically.

The Doctor deliberately let the sarcasm slide right off of him unheeded. "I knew you had the intellect to appreciate it Alistair. "I'll give you a jump start."

"A what?"

"I believe that is the American term for it. TARDIS old girl has many faults, but hand this to her, she's never lacked for power. Let's see now. Jumper cables. Where did I put those jumper cables?" He went shuffling into the TARDIS to emerge just seconds later, trailing a pair of red and black power cables. The Brigadier blinked in surprise; the Doctor had changed some of his attire.

He still wore the same red jacket, baggy black pants and well worn boots, but he had replaced his long, multicolored scarf and over-vest with a brightly colored Hawaiian shirt and a pair of enormous "Mickey Mouse" sunglasses. He had also replaced his brown felt hat with a large straw hat that sported a large red button which read,"Souvenir of the Alpha Centauri World's Fair 2078." He explained when he caught sight of the Brigadier's expression, "This is America, not England. I don't want to appear conspicuous."

The Brigadier managed to keep a straight face though not without a bit of effort. "Quite wise of you, Doctor."

It looked odd to see cables running from the inside of a police call box to the engine of a jeep resting on the shoulder of an American motorway. But soon, the Doctor had the jeep purring like a tiger cub. He popped back in with the cables popped out again without them, locked the TARDIS door and walked back to the jeep. "The hardest part, Alistair, is not to OVERPOWER the battery. It's a little bit like trying to pour just one teaspoon of liquid from a very big bucket into a very small tobasco bottle."

"What is a tobasco bottle?"

The Doctor smiled mischievously, "While we are in America, there are some foods I've got to get you to try. Move over." He pushed the Brigadier over into the passenger seat.

"You're not coming with me are you? And surely you don't want to drive!"

The Doctor gave his Earthling friend one of his best bug-eyed stares, "What? And miss a conference on how to defend the Earth against alien invasions? I wouldn't miss it for the world Alistair. And I've always wanted to drive on the right side of the road for a change."

The Brigadier threw up his hands, thinking: What else could go wrong with my day? "All right, Doctor. I suppose we do owe you one, but for goodness sake, please try to behave yourself."

The Doctor gave Alistair another wide-eyed stare, oozing with outrageous innocence, "Don't I always? Well, most of the time..."

Alistair sincerely hoped against hope that if God wasn't an Englishman, that He was at least an Earthling!

CHAPTER 2. CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE BLUE KIND

Sergeant O'Rielly wasn't usually a clock-watcher, but this day had seemed to just drag on and on. One more hour, he thought, one more hour and it will be time for the shift change. Hopefully, it will be a quiet sixty minutes.

O'Rielly's silent contemplation was shattered when his radar beeped, telling him a speeding vehicle was headed his way.

"So much for quiet," he murmured as he reached for the switch controlling the lights and siren.

The Doctor drove as he always did, furiously.

"Now get out that map, Alistair. See if you can tell me where I'm going." 

The Brigadier unfolded the map and fought to hold it steady in the winds, "Slow down," he pleaded. "What's the good of going so fast when we don't know where we are or where we are going."

"It's fun."

Alistair began to wonder if God was maybe a Gallifreyan "What if an American Bobby stops you?"

"I believe they are called Smokeys over here."

"Smokeys then. They have something called a double nickles law, I understand."

The Doctor smiled and waved his arms about in the air, both hands leaving the steering wheel, "Nonsense. Americans never heed their own speed laws. Don't you ever watch American films?"

"I do. But maybe they don't." The Brigadier looked back to see a blue flashing light coming quickly up behind them. "Don't look to me for assistance. You, my dear chap, are on your own."

Sheepishly, the Doctor pulled over to the side, remembering at the last second to go to the right and NOT the left.

He tried to win over the highway patrolman with his usual warmth and friendliness, "Hullo there, Officer. Splendid day for a drive, isn't it?"

Sergeant O'Rielly ignored the Doctor's comment, "Okay, Buddy, where's the fire?"

"Fire? What fire? Where?" the Doctor looked around wildly, purposely misunderstanding. The Brigadier shook his head and smiled into his mustache. It served the Doctor right. Maybe after this he would try to at least be a bit more circumspect.

The Sergeant took out his clipboard and pen, "Name?" He asked gruffly. It had been a long and difficult shift, his partner was home sick with the flu, he was tired, irritable and probably coming down with it himself.

"The Doctor."

"Doctor what?"

"Not what, Who." the Doctor corrected his grammar.

"Okay, wise guy. Doctor Who?"

"That's all there is to it."

The officer eyed this strangely dressed creature: the outrageous straw hat, tropical shirt with a much too warm-looking, scruffy coat over it...British accent. The strange clothing, maybe, could be explained by his obviously being a tourist, but even in England people must have proper names. "That can't be all of it."

"I assure you, young man, it is." the Doctor smiled his most charming smile.

"Forget it!" By now the cop was ready to rip his hair out. "Okay, just tell me where are you from?"

"Originally or just lately? You'll have to be more specific."

"Tell me anything!

"Hmmmm, well I'm 750 years old and I'm going to have a birthday next week, give or take a few years. I think I'll throw myself a surprise party. I'm going to hide behind my TARDIS controls and jump out and say 'Surprise!' Would you like to come?"

O'Rielly blinked. It took him a moment to recover from that. Then he said gruffly. "Get out of the jeep. Keep your hands where I can see them and don't ....."

"Don't make any sudden moves." The Doctor finished for him.

"Yes. You have the right to remain silent and anything you say may be used against you in a court of law."

"Oh, that's all right. I love to talk."

The officer shuddered, "I thought so."

The Brigadier decided to get out also. He wanted a good view of the proceedings. He didn't think for a moment that the patrolman had any kind of a chance, but he wanted to see just how the Doctor was going to talk himself out of this one.

"Assume the position." instructed O'Rielly.

"I beg your pardon?" Was the Doctor's innocent reply.

"Listen, Buddy."

"Doctor, if you please." the Time Lord corrected.

"Look, Doctor, "I've had it up to here." He made a slashing motion across his throat, "With your smart aleck answers. Now, stand with hands on the hood of the jeep and spread your feet!" the Doctor obliged.

The first thing out of the Doctor's pockets was, of course the jelly babies. "Have one," he offered.

"No, thanks. What have we here?"

"That's the directional locator off my TARDIS. I was trying to fix it. I don't think I ever will, but oh, well. And that's my sonic screwdriver."

"What is this?" The cop held up an oddly shaped piece of metal covered with small holes. A small trickle of water dripped onto his dusty shoes.

"Part of an automatic sprinkler head. I've been having to water my carnivorous plants manually and that is dangerous! So, I was working on that, too."

"And what, pray tell, is this?"

"Be careful! It might go off."

O'Rielly threw the object into the bushes. The Doctor gave him a hurt look. "Now why did you fling away a perfectly good alarm clock?"

During the next few minutes, the befuddled officer pulled out of the Doctor's pockets: a large spanner, a very old scout knife, a tuning fork (high c), a can opener with the words "Visit scenic Rigel" on the handle, a wad of melted rubber bands, an oriental silk screen of Mount Kilimanjaro, a rubber duck, a dozen or so safety pins of various sizes, a Roman Denarius, three Martian kopecs, a London bus token, an expired library card (1890), wad after wad of paper, an ancient looking book entitled "Butterflys of England," a book of Tibetan recipes for rice wine, a notice which stated that the Doctor had two overdue library books, and a piece of anti-gravity ore which promptly floated up and had to be caught by O'Rielly as it sailed past his nose.

O'Rielly felt the hairs going up on the back of his neck, "Do you, by any chance, happen to have anything resembling a driver's license?"

The Doctor thought for a moment. "Do I have permission to go through my own pockets? 

Numbly, the patrolman nodded.

The Doctor started searching around in his pockets. "Here, hold my hat." He plopped his hat into the startled cop's hands, "No. not like that: Out like you are begging. That's it. I have to have somewhere to put it all."

The Doctor pulled out of his pockets: a stethoscope, a jump rope, a hammer, an ear trumpet, a yo-yo, a pack of ruffled playing cards with five aces, another bus token (this time from Zurich, Switzerland), two pencils with the erasers chewed off, a handful of marbles in a worn leather bag, three pounds and two pence in British money, and a long, dulled hacksaw.

The officer's eyes bulged. A few minutes before, he'd thought he'd completely emptied them.

The Doctor pulled several colorful magician's scarfs out of his pocket along with a large rainbowed bandanna with unicorns on each corner. This he promptly put on. "There you are!" he talked to it, "I thought I'd lost you. Ah, here it, is."

The Doctor pulled out a very old-looking leather wallet and flipped it open, "Now let me see. I have an intergalactic pilot's license. Will that do?"

The Patrolman closed his eyes and counted to ten slowly.

"No, I guess not. Well now here's something American: a MacDonald's Happy Meal card. I buy five Happy Meals and I get one free." He glanced at the card sadly. "It expired in 3180." 

O'Rielly took a deep breath and exhaled loudly.

"I guess that won't do either," the Doctor said unhappily. Suddenly he grinned, "Here it is! I knew it was here somewhere. My driver's license, Sir." The Doctor presented it with a flourish.

O'Rielly stared. This character actually had a license. Uh-oh, what's this? "Mister, this license expired over a year ago and it's British."

The Doctor stared at him hopefully, "Oh well, that's close enough, isn't it? What's just one year and a few thousand kilometers? It's still the same planet at least."

The Brigadier coughed loudly into his fist, trying to keep from laughing. 15 love in favor of the Doctor!

"Uh, yes, well, I think so." The officer looked around as if looking for help. He hadn't really noticed the Brigadier until now. He was as different from the Doctor as night was from day. Some kind of military man, as military as this jeep. What was going on? Some kind of kidnapping or something?

"Are you all right, Major?" O'Rielly asked him.

The Brigadier marched up to the officer and just kept himself from saluting, "Young man, I am a Brigadier, not a Major. My name is Brigadier Alistair Lethbridge-Stewart, head of the British branch of UNIT. Here is my identification and passport. The Doctor here is our Special Scientific Advisor and my responsibility. We are on official business."

"Are you one of those guys that goes arond yelling about alien invasions and U.F.O's?"

Alistair gave the sassy young American a firm British stare, "Young man, the United Nations Intelligence Task Force handles ALL alien contacts, the friendly as well as the unfriendly." He nodded meaningfully at the Doctor.

Childlike and cheerful, the Doctor waved to the officer and smiled.

The Officer stared at the Doctor. As he did he thought about the ore that had floated UP and the impossibility of having so much in one's pockets. As he stared his expression changed from angry to suspicious, to frightened, to a firm determination to keep the upper hand in the situation. "Look, Doctor whoeveryouare, I'll make a deal with you. If you can get all this stuff back into those pockets, I'll let you go with a warning THIS TIME! But I don't believe you can do it."

The Doctor cocked his head, "Why not? It all came from there, didn't it?" He started pushing things into his pockets haphazardly. "If you like, I could pull out lots more. Would you...."

"No!" shouted O'Rielly, "Just put it all back, please." 

Several minutes later the Doctor waved cheerfully as he drove away, squealing the tyres and spitting sand over poor O'Rielly.

"I think I need a vacation." he moaned, scratching his head with the corner of his clipboard. He turned to go back inside his cruiser, then spun around as he heard the screeching of brakes and the grinding of gears.

The Doctor had made a wide U turn and was coming down the wrong side of the road at breakneck speed. He gave the wheel a sharp yank to the left and came to a halt beside the cruiser, effectively blocking traffic in the right hand lane. Several cars skidded to a stop, honking loudly and shaking their fists at him angrily.

He waved back, a delighted grin on his handsome, character-lined face.

The patrolman stared back open mouthed.

"Quite a friendly lot, you Americans. By the way, Officer, could your direct us to MacDill Air Force Base? We're in a bit of a rush."

Wordlessly and wide eyed, he made a vague gesture in the general direction of Tampa.

"Thank you!" chirped the Doctor. He tipped his hat and roared off again.

"O'Rielly stared at the receding jeep just as it swerved to avoid a large van. "I definitely need a vacation. Anywhere but England!"

The Brigadier looked behind him at the van. If it wasn't for the Doctor's super-human reflexes, they'd have been only two patches on the side of the road. Goodness these Americans and their bumper stickers! "Daughters of the American Revolution!" He read. "After all this time and they still haven't forgiven us!"

The Doctor chuckled, "Now what should they forgive? It was their fault!"

"The Revolutionary War?"

"No. The waste of all that good tea."

Alistair grinned, "quite so, Doctor, Quite so. But let this be a lesson to you. 'When in Rome, do as the Romans do.'"

The Doctor looked over at Alistair, a mischievous smile on his face, "Unless, of course, that means feeding lions an unbalanced diet."

The Doctor was putting nearly as much of his attention on his friend as he was on the road. By habit, he drifted too far to the left, but swerved just in time to avoid another truck. The Brigadier shuddered.

"Now then, before I was so rudely interrupted, I was about to ask you, Alistair, just how did you come to be on the side of an American motor-way? Batteries do not go flat while one is driving."

"I was sitting where you found me because of an extemely wide chivalrous streak--GREAT SCOTT! LOOK OUT, DOCTOR!" The Brigadier grabbed the dash and closed his eyes praying that at least the borrowed jeep would survive. 

A few seconds later, the car that had been about to crash into them was honking loudly but behind them. The Brigadier was now POSITIVE that God was a Gallifreyen. This last one was definitely not the Doctor's fault. Apparently Americans weren't sure what side of the road they were supposed to drive on, either.

He finally got around to answering the Doctor's question. "What I was saying was, I stopped to aid two very charming young ladies in the changing of a flat tyre." 

He smiled, a bit embarrassed, "They seemed most taken with my English accent, which they said was adorable, and with my military bearing and good looks. They used an interesting term. I'll have to look it up as soon as I can get to an American Dictionary."

"What was it?"

"Hunk."

The Doctor grinned, "And what did these American ladies think of that horrid cookie duster of yours?"

Gloating a bit, the Brigadier replied, "They seemed to think it was my most attractive feature. In fact, I was invited to join them at a do this weekend." He frowned in thought, "Doctor do you have any idea what an Omnicon is?" 

CHAPTER 3. NOW WE KNOW WHO WROTE "LET ME HELP"

The Doctor did behave himself, of sorts, at the conference. He spent most of his time offering the Brigadier (and anyone else within passing distance) jelly babies. The Brigadier, who had missed lunch, found himself taking them, much to his red faced embarrassment. It was every bit as bad as he'd feared.

The Doctor, of course, who didn't look like he was paying attention, was actually not only paying attention to the speaker (so that later he could have repeated back every word), but to everything else that went on in the room including the fly above the speaker's head, and his slipping toupee.

Also noted by the Doctor's roving mind was the smell of someone's aftershave, a cat hair on the shoulder of the man in front of him, a loose button on his own coat and the fact that the Brigadier's tummy was rumbling which was why he was offering him the jelly babies.

Finally the button became the object of his greatest concern. He fished around in his pockets and came up with a sewing kit, though where that had been during the patrolman's search even he would have been at a loss to explain.

He reattached his button, performed the same service for a button on the Brigadier's jacket, then looked around for other prospects.

"No!" Whispered Alistair. "I know your greatest desire is to make the Universe better in every way you can, but this is not the time or place for that. Behave yourself!"

Disappointed, the Doctor got out his yo-yo. The Brigadier felt like sinking into the floor.

The Doctor was good with his yo-yo. He could do "round the world" and "walk the dog" and many others. He did.

Over in the corner, two of the Americans at least were thoroughly enjoying the Doctor's escapades. "What is that guy?" Lt. Roberts asked, "I don't believe him!"

His friend Col. Lightfoot agreed, "I've seen his like before. He came with the British UNIT fellow, didn't he?"

Roberts nodded, "He must have. Did you ever see THAT done at a military briefing before? I don't know where the Brigadier got him from but I hope WE get to keep him! I bet you and the rest of the psyche boys would love to tear him up. He looks like the type that talks to little green men from Alpha Centauri. Hell, I bet he rides in flying saucers every day."

Lightfoot shook his head, "Pal, he may BE from Alpha Centauri. He may OWN a flying saucer!"

"Bull!"

Lightfoot put his hand to his chin and shook his head thoughtfully. Then he made a sudden decision. "Hold my chair," He told Roberts. He walked over to the Doctor and stared at him quietly in a friendly manner. He clucked his tongue softly like a mother hen calling her chicks. The Doctor looked and gave him a puzzled but innocent blue eyed stare in return.

"Hi," Lightfoot said happily.

"Hullo," said the Doctor smiling.

"Do you like to play games?"

Amazed, the Doctor nodded. He was not used to strange humans being this playful.

"Great!" I have several you will find interesting. Quickly now, what's the square root of 3000?"

The Doctor did have to think a few seconds. "54.772255."

Lightfoot grinned, "Excellent. Now then, see this five dollar bill?"

The Doctor nodded, "My dear chap, this close to me how could I miss it? It has a picture of Abraham Lincoln on it instead of the Queen."

"Right. Now then, I'll hold it like this," Lightfoot held the bill longways by the end. The Doctor cocked his head thinking that this WAS an interesting Human!

"Now you put your hand here," he cupped the Doctor's hand around it,"I'll drop it and if you can catch it, I'll let you keep it."

Lightfoot let the dollar bill slip and the Doctor caugh it easily.

"Ah, lunch money!" He exclaimed quietly, "I'll treat you, Brigadier. Maybe I'll get my free Happy Meal after all."

Lightfoot looked extremely pleased for someone who had just lost five dollars. His next question startled the Brigaider, "What part of the Milky Way are you from?"

The Doctor shook his head, "No, not this galaxy. Another. I'm from the planet Gallifrey originally, though I've been around a bit." 

Lightfoot nodded as if the answer didn't amaze him at all.

The Doctor was intrigued, "How did you guess?"

The dark headed Colonel shrugged, "I admit if I'd met you out on the street a few years ago I would have thought 'nut!' but, you ARE with the Brigadier and we're not completely inexperienced over here. I was with the team that studied the behavior of Mork from Ork back when they lived in Boulder, Colorado before their mysterious disappearance. We noticed his quicker than Human reactions. The way I dropped that fiver no Human being could have caught it. And you are quite welcome to it, by the way."

Meanwhile, the speaker went on. He was as pompous as it was possible for an American general to be and by now his toupee was slipping badly. It didn't appear to faze him one bit. He just continued with his lecture.

"....And that is why we are the safest nation on Earth from alien attack. With our highly sophisticated systems of radar, nobody can penetrate our defenses. Even a fly would have a hard time putting anything over on us." 

The fly above his head buzzed and buzzed.

Lightfoot and the Doctor started to giggle. The Brigadier began to wonder if maybe he was the only properly dignified being left in the Universe.

The Doctor stage whispered to Lightfoot. "Poppycock! I landed my own ship right on the side of one of your motorways and you chaps don't even know it yet."

People started edging away from the Doctor. The Brigadier began to wish he was still stuck on the afore mentioned motorway.

Lightfoot was intrigued. "You slipped right past our defenses?"

The Doctor nodded,"and I wasn't even trying to. I was headed for Hyde Park."

Glumly, the Brigadier put his hand on his chin. How much longer would the General's speech go on? He was beginning to empathize with the hyperactive Doctor. Even he felt like fidgeting. As for the poor people that had been here from the start...Suddenly he spotted Benton gesturing to him from the other side of the room. Relieved to have an excuse to abandon the eccentric Time Lord, he quietly got up and inched over.

"Where have you been, Sir?" Benton whispered.

"Having a close encounter with the Doctor," snapped the Brigadier. "Where else?"

"Oh, that explains it."

"It wasn't actually his fault. In fact he got me here sooner than I would have been. If he hadn't shown up I might have gotten lucky and missed the entire lecture."

"Pity poor me, Sir. I've been here from the beginning. It's a lot of tommyrot, if you ask me. I'm glad the Doctor is here. Maybe he'll get in one of his righteous moods and refute the lot of it."

Lightfoot meanwhile was happy as a lark. The Doctor was showing him how to walk-the-dog."

Roberts got tired of holding the chair for Lightfoot and sidled his way over. He popped up suddenly by the Brigadier and Benton, "I'll split the cost of a pair of strait jackets with you if you like," he suggested playfully, gesturing in the direction of Lightfoot and the Doctor. They were now playing tic tac toe on an invisible board that the Doctor had telepathically-hypnotized them both into seeing on the General's now quite bald head.

"The Doctor doesn't quite need a strait jacket, an ordinary keeper usually suffices! But thank you." exclaimed the Brigadier with a smile. "Who is that chap with him, by the way?"

"Him? That's Colonel Lightfoot, he's the base psychiatrist. He's just been transferred here from the L.A. V.A."

All good things must come to an end, bad things too. Finally the conference did. Maybe God was an Earthling after all.

The Doctor managed to get back to the Brigadier rather quickly. With his big bear-like frame and wild and wooly looks nobody wanted to cross him. The crowd parted for him as did the Red Sea for Charlton Heston. He waved up both his 'five spot' and his Happy Meal card, "Come on Alistair. Let's get some food into you. I'm hungry and I HAD lunch."

"How did you know I didn't have lunch?"

"Elementary. You were lost, you were in a hurry, you never eat on planes because you get air sick and your tummy is rumbling."

"You know me too well."

The Doctor nodded, looking satisfied.

Lightfoot shook his head, "Keep the fiver. Lunch is on me. I know this wonderful Mexican restaurant that's not far from here, Chi Chi's. Do you like Mexican food?"

"Ole!"

The Brigadier had a feeling lunch was going to be a disaster. It was. Surprisingly enough though it was Benton who couldn't take it. the Brigadier was amazed and pleased to find he LIKED Mexican food.

"I'm surprised at you!" the Doctor teased Benton gently after it was all over, "And I thought you had French blood in you! Surely French can handle Mexican."

Benton was looking the prettiest shade of green. "Doctor, I am a few generations removed. It's only my soul that's French, My heart and my stomach are British."

Lightfood eyed him sympathetically, "You know what you need? A nice cup of hot chocolate."

"Ulp!"

The Doctor shook his head, "Let's get you to my TARDIS. I can fix you a nice cup of tea. It's the least I can do considering how many times you've made me tea, coffee, cocoa and lemonade and even fetched me water on occasion."

"I'll be glad to drive you anywhere you want," Lightfoot volunteered, "Where is this TARDIS of yours? I've got to see it."

As they were driving on, Lightfoot spotted an Eckerds "Here, lets go in there and get you some Pepto-bismol.

The Doctor gave a mock horrified stare to the Colonel, "Good Heavens! They have them here too! Eckerd's are taking over the Universe!"

The cashier was a gabby lady with a warm love of human nature. She spotted Lightfoot's uniform and his purchase, and put two and two together, "Going abroad, I see."

Lightfoot shook his head, "No Ma'am. I have two 'abroads' from England waiting out in the jeep and one of them couldn't take our food or water either."

CHAPTER 4. CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE BLUE KIND TWO

Back at the Tardis, the very same cop that had met the Doctor earlier in the day was, at that very moment, investigating a strange blue box."

"Police Public Call Box." O'Rielly read to himself, "Police Public Call Box? I wonder what it is and what it's doing here?"

He took out his radio and thumbed the transmit button, "Dispatch, this is 7-Charles-14. Patch me through to the Lieutenant. Over."

"Roger, 7-Charles-14. This is the Lieutenant. O'Rielly what do you want now? I know its past the end of your shift but I've got 25 officers out with the flu. It won't hurt you to put an extra few hours."

"Lieutenant, I'm not calling about that. I have a large blue crate at Northbound 275 and 62nd Avenue. It must have fallen off a truck. Funny thing, it says "Police Public Call Box."

"Sergeant, that's what they used in England in the late sixties, early seventies for the policemen to check in with the station just as you are doing now on your radio. They were also used for emergency call boxes. Maybe it fell of a truck headed for a movie set or something."

"What would they be building an English set in Florida for?"

"How do I know O'Rielly? Maybe it's a flick about what would happen if America had lost the revolution or something. Think of it: Police call boxes all over America, the Queen Mother throwing out the first baseball of the season, Prince Charles Chevrolets, Princess Di cosmetics, you know."

"I get the picture Lieutenant. Send a truck out for it. I'll wait with it here."

"Roger."

Just then Lightfoot, the Brigadier, Benton and the Doctor pulled up alongside the cruiser. Gently Lightfoot assisted poor Benton from the car as the Doctor hurried to open the door of the Tardis.

"What are YOU doing here?" the cop growled upon seeing the Doctor.

The Doctor held up his hands. "I wasn't driving too fast this time, Officer, I wasn't even driving."

"Is this contraption yours?"

"I'm afraid it is, Sir. Why? Have I broken the law again?"

"Sort of. You shouldn't have abandoned it here."

"It was a spur of the moment thing," the Doctor looked so apologetic.

The Doctor turned to help Lightfoot with the ailing Benton. "Excuse us please." The two men lowered Benton into the high-backed rocking chair. He sat down looking queasy.

The Brigadier blinked in the bright light of the Tardis interior. There was ticker-tape all over the floor. "Doctor, don't you ever tidy your ship?"

The Doctor gave the Brigadier a mock angry glare. That's your fault, Alistair!"

"What?" The Brigadier stepped back a mite huffily. "How can that possibly be? It's been years since I've set foot in here."

The Doctor continued his stare, "The next time you want to keep me from knowing your whereabouts. DON'T turn on your calling device."

"What?" The Brigadier's face was pure amazement, "Goodness! I did bring it along in case of emergency. It's in my flight bag. Must have been turned on accidently. Is THAT how you REALLY found me?

The Doctor shrugged philosophically, "That just goes to show you, Alistair, never pack an interspacial intertemporal calling device and an electric toothbrush together.

Meanwhile, the befuddled cop had followed the small contingent into the TARDIS. For several moments he was speechless, probably for the first time in his life, as the door closed behind him. He stared around at the impossibly large gleaming white, futuristic-looking room and even more so at the hat rack that stood in the corner and the multi-colored scarf thereon.

His jaw dropped at the sight of the hatrack. If there was anything more astounding than discovering you have just boarded a spaceship, it's discovering that said spaceship comes complete with an old fashioned hat rack in its control room!"

The Doctor walked over to the hatrack. He replaced the large straw hat and unicorn bandanna with his scarf and brown felt hat. Hot as it was, he felt more comfortable with these old familiar friends.

The patrolman looked around, closed his eyes then carefully opened them again. Spur of the moment thing, was it?

"What is this! An invasion?"

The Doctor shook his head. "No, its an attempt to make Benton a cup of tea." The Doctor proceded to do just that.Using an old teapot he took out of one of his many closets and his sonic screwdriver as a heat source, it was soon bubbling happily.

Who was it that said only the British demand even the outrageous be done according to tradition? The cop still had a bone or two to pick. "Don't you know its illegal to park on the side of the highway except in an emergency?"

"But, Officer O'Rielly, this IS an emergency. Benton desperately needs a cup of tea and some Pepto-bismol."

The cop looked concerned, "Is that his normal color?"

"No!" Benton howled, "By all the gold in the Crown Jewels, I swear I'm British, not Irish!"

"How about alien?"

The Doctor was almost indignant. "Can't you see he's not feeling very well right now?"

"What happened to him?"

From his position in the rocking chair Benton moaned, "I believe they were called Enchiladas."

The Brigadier stepped forward, "Officer, as I said before I'm with UNIT. I'll be responsible for this. Now the Doctor is going to move his TARDIS just as quickly as possible, aren't you Doctor?"

The Time Lord nodded, as innocent looking as he could manage, which was considerable.

"One of my men is very ill, as you can see," continued the Brigadier, "The Doctor volunteered to make him a cup of tea. Now that was neighborly, don't you think, Officer?"

"Wouldn't it have been better to take him to a hospital instead of this, er, flying call box?"

"Who wants to stay in a cold, inhuman hospital when one can be in a nice cozy place like this?" The Doctor spread his arms out as if to embrace the TARDIS.

The cop's eye's widened, "You call THIS homey?"

The Brigadier smiled, "We of the British branch of UNIT are rather used to it. Come to think of it I DO feel like I'm home suddenly. Interesting that. Benton will be fine now I'm sure. He just needs a little rest that's all.

"Please don't be upset about the TARDIS. I'll see that the Doctor moves it straightaway."

"I think I'd better let you go," said O'Rielly slowly "I can just see the Lieutenant's face when I tell him I ticketed a flying saucer for being illegally parked!"

O'Rielly turned to go, pushing against the doors. He felt a moment of panic. Compassionately, the Doctor pulled the red handle and the big doors opened. Relief written all over his face, the patrolman rushed into the warm Florida sunshine. He sped away in his cruiser, kicking up dust and pebbles.

"Flying saucer indeed! Anyone can see this isn't a flying saucer. And now HE'S driving too fast. Oh well. Feeling better, Benton?"

From his position in the rocker Benton nodded weakly. He was beginning to feel a little better. He swallowed the last of his tea and held out his cup for more. Benton looked Lightfoot up and down. The man looked as American as a John Wayne movie with his midnight black hair, high cheekbones and copper-gold skin. He took another sip of tea and smiled, "I don't understand how you Americans can look so different from us in only a few generations. We were the same race originally."

Lightfoot shook his head while the Doctor just smiled, "With a name like Lightfoot? What tribe are you from?"

"I'm equal parts Choctaw and Cherokee, but I owe the British one. My parents met at a Shakespearean festival in Boulder, Colorado."

"Indian!" The Brigadier exclaimed. Subconsciously, he put his hand protectively to his hair.

Lightfoot noticed and smiled, "I'll tell you what, Brigadier, if you don't try to get me to eat kidney pie, I won't scalp you!"

A bit embarrassed, the Brigadier nodded.

The Doctor leaned against the wall of his 'old girl,' pulled his hat over his eyes and crossed his arms, totally relaxed "It's no wonder you aren't upset about my being an alien, Lightfoot. From your point of view we're all aliens. Only the Indians had any real right to the country."

Lightfood nodded, "Maybe so. But I admit it is a bit late to do anything about it now. So come on all your aliens, the more the merrier!"

Alistair was glad no one had told Lightfoot the TARDIS was a time machine too. His mustache twitched. "Speaking of invasions, the American Air Force may not be able to cope, but I have the utmost confidence in your police force. Doctor, he almost got the best of you in the end."

The Doctor nodded and smiled, his blue eyes glowing with mischief, "Thank you for coming to my rescue, Alistair."

"And you to mine," Alistair reminded him.

"Yes it's true isn't it. We need each other. I wouldn't have liked getting hauled off to some American jail."

The Brigadier stroked his chin, smiling and nodding thoughtfully, "Yes, we aliens must stick together!" 

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